Poem #1

Today, I am fat.
It’s not anything new because I’ve been this way
As long as I can remember
And it always bothered me,
But not as much as today.
Today my bulges stick out a little further,
My stomach portrudes over my “fat shorts,”
And my jowls look chunkier,
Flapping over my almost invisible neck.
Today my breasts are saggy with age,
My butt round (in a bad way),
And my demeanor pitiful
Because today I weighed myself
For the first time in over a year.
Maybe I should’ve known how much I
Gained
When shirts fit a little tighter,
Or when they began to fit A LOT TIGHTER;
Maybe I should’ve known how much I
Gained
When my pants refused to slip
Over my jumbo thighs
Or when the leggings kept getting holes
In
The
Same
Place
(My inner thigh, of course).
Either way, what I needed
More than anything
Was to feel the opposite of pitiful.
Fierce was my middle name
A few years ago,
Back when I probably shouldn’t have had
THAT
Much confidence.
The years freely rolled on
And the rolls on my back increased,
But you made me believe I was nothing less than
Beautiful all these years,
Until now.
Right now, I feel ugly.
I’m the hideous creature lurking in the shadows,
Grasping to the skinny figure
Hiding under all my fat
And maybe that’s why I feel this way.
I want to yell,
“Hug me, damn it!
I need you so bad right now,”
But I can’t.
I need you to love me now
And tell me I’m the
Perfectly Imperfect
Love of your life
Because, darling, I’m falling apart.
I’m 10 seconds from giving up
And 20 seconds from spewing tears,
And maybe 30 seconds from
Eating a cheeseburger.
It’s not your fault I feel this way,
If anything it’s your fault for
Making me so damn happy all the time.
We happily eat meals together,
Gaining
All the happy calories and fat
Gaining
All the weight on my body now,
Gaining
The lack of courage or confidence
That I now have
Because I can no longer say no to food.
I just don’t feel happy with myself,
But I’m trying.
And I have to try because
Today, I am fat.

Some parts are true, some parts are not. Meh. Summer time again which means more writing!!!

Power.

Dainty women in high heels,

Passing out meat pinwheels,

Serving the men as they all chatter.

 

Bending over oh so primly

So you don’t see above the knee.

Nobody wants to be called a slut.


Some men give a quick, hard smack,

Others rub the small of backs.

They think that they’re the ones that matter.

 

Ignorance will make men suffer

With the women always tougher.

The meat given is poison in their gut.

It’s been an extremely long time awhile since I’ve written anything on here. I thought I lost my mojo, and I probably did.  Too many outside influences fed into my mental block and eventually it felt like my writing annoyed people more than it made me feel good. I can’t won’t write as much as I did over the summer since school has started again (and I’m a teacher with students that depend on me), but I will try my best to write more often. I’ve missed this even more than I realized.

I’m back.

PSA Numero Dos

I absolutely forgot to write a story. It popped into my head every now and then, but at times when I couldn’t write. *sigh* I’ll write tomorrow.

Writing every day is my goal, but sometimes it may not happen. This is the 2nd time. I’ll allow myself 5 passes.

Story #7

“Yesterday I sent myself a dozen roses. Is that absolutely pathetic,” May asked her best friend, Sara. Sara stroked her chin, as if pretending to really think about the question.

“Hmmm,” Sara replied. “It depends. What reason did you send yourself flowers?”

“Well, Leo never sends me roses or does anything to show he was just thinking about me. I took the initiative and sent myself some roses to show him what he should do.”

“Who’s bank account did they charge?”

“Mine, of course.”

“Then yes, you are absolutely pathetic. If you wanted him to send you flowers, you should’ve been straight forward and told him. Maybe then you wouldn’t have $30 less in your account.” Sara gave a  knowing smile.

“$26 actually. I suppose you’re right. I just don’t want to be one of those needy girls that begs their boyfriends to do things for them and then get mad when they don’t do it. That’s just not me.” May flopped down on Sara’s comfortable couch and began to take a sip from her green tea.

“No, you just want to be one of those girls that hints things to her boyfriend and then gets mad when he doesn’t take the hint. I think that’s a bit worse. Why can’t you just be open with him?”

This is why May told Sara everything. She made sense of the world. May wished she was more like her best friend. Sara was a successfully published self-help author who lived in a gorgeous flat with her two dogs, Tom and Jerry. She always claimed that those were the only men she’d ever need in her life.

May sighed. “Yeah, you’re right. The hint didn’t work anyways. Leo came home from work, read the card next to the roses, and laughed. He laughed at me! When he saw me staring at him, he said, ‘Cute card, babe.’ What does that even mean?”

“I don’t know. What did the card say?”

“It said, ‘You deserve every bit of happiness. I love you. Love, Me.'”

Sara nearly spit out her tea while trying to hold in her laughter. “You’ve got to be kidding me. Why did you even give yourself a card to go with the flowers? You know what, it doesn’t matter. You’re better than this, May. Why is it that women always scour every little thing that a man does? Maybe he literally thought the card was funny and that was it. Move on, girl. Also, you should send yourself flowers because you want to, not because you want him to do it.”

May wasn’t expecting Sara to respond that way, but she knew that Sara was right. It was time for her to put on her big girl pants and treat herself the way she wants to be treated without worrying about if Leo would do the same for her. It was just so hard.

“But you don’t understand! It’s not even just the flowers. I want him to do more things to show that he cares. I want him to show that he needs me just as much as I need–”

“I’m going to stop you right there. You don’t need any man to be happy. If you care about yourself first, then everything else should fall into place.”

Sara hugged May. “Now, let’s watch this cheesy scary movie and enjoy ourselves without talking about Leo, okay? Let’s just have fun!” May nodded in agreement. It would take time, but she was going to learn how to love herself again.

When ever you’re down in the dumps, your friends are always there to show you your worth. I loved writing this story because it reminded me of a skewed version of my best friend, Monica. We have a balanced friendship like this one. This story was fun to write, especially since I decided to have mainly dialogue this time. **Side note: My boyfriend said that May should just break up with her boyfriend. LOL.