Story #39

“Why do we kill ourselves for love,” Ashley asked.

Jennifer, her best friend, shrugged and continued stuffing her mouth with kung pao chicken. “All I know is that I’m in love with this Chinese food, dude.”

“Seriously, though! I didn’t even realize until 4 years into my last relationship that I was dying. I was LITERALLY dying,” Ashley exclaimed.

“Come on, Ash. You knew what was coming when you signed up for a relationship. I, on the other hand, avoid thos with a 9 foot pole.” Jennifer burped and rubbed her belly. “That hit the spot.”

Jennifer was painstakingly gorgeous. She was a bit of a slob, but she could have any person she wanted if she signed up for a relationship. Ashley was opposite though.

Fortunately, thanks to new laws and changes within society, you could now sign up to be in a relationship. A company called Life Partners set you up with someone of similar interests and you both signed a contract stating that you would be devoted to your life partner. There was a catch though: you and your partner would also die together and at a faster rate than normal.

“I realized that I don’t even miss Brock. He was handsome and sweet, but also really boring. Also, a bit daft. We were going to die together! Can you imagine dying with someone who makes paint drying seem like a sport?!”

Jennifer nearly spit out her drink from laughing so hard. “The good news is you’re out of that awful contract now.”

Ashley gave a nervous laugh. “Haha, yeah.” She stuck her hand out to grab her drink, and noticed the aging spots on her hand. “Oh, no! Not much time left, now,” Ashley thought to herself.

Valentine’s Day (Story #37)

“Table for two,” squealed the tiny 12 year old as her boyfriend squeezed her sides.

The concierge threw on her best I’m single and working on the worst day of the year face while grabbing two red, heart shaped menus.

“Fuck this,” I thought as I casually turned and walked towards my car. To be fair, the children were probably in their early 20s, believed that they were madly in love, and didn’t even pay their own cell phone bills. I’m not bitter though.

The closer I got to my car, the more I noticed that I was the only single female in that whole damn parking lot. Are you kidding me? Even the nerdiest of couples were walking hand in hand, absolutely love struck. My brain hadn’t even connected that today was Valentine’s Day even though Google was filled with pink and red hearts. I was off of work today so I missed the older women acting like middle schoolers, flaunting their gigantic teddy bears and shitty Whitman’s candy box bullshit. Maybe I should’ve known it was Valentine’s Day when I saw the ugly, obviously male written, paint on someone’s car windshield that read, “Marry me?” Or maybe I should’ve known when there seemed to be a billion people holding giant bouquets of overpriced roses. I swear, I’m not bitter.

Either way, I started my car and powered up the radio, only to hear, “What’s Love Got to do With It.” The DJ who decided to play that was probably cheated on by their significant other. I laughed at the thought. The streets were mainly empty. I suppose everyone was either eating out or eating in, but I was starving and didn’t want to cook. I decided to drive to the nearest diner.

The windows had leftover Christmas lights loosely strung around the border. It looked as if the diner was halfway empty. “My kind of place,” I thought. The bell rang when I pushed the door open, signaling a waitress with dark red lipstick to look up. This woman had to have been in her late 60s. Her caked on eye shadow melted into the deep creases of her eyelids. The dark, crusty lipstick sat on her thin, wrinkly lips. “Just one, doll,” she inquired, nearly suffocating me with the smell of old cigarettes. I nodded my head and she motioned for me to follow her to the table.

I sat at the table and waited for my server. When I looked around, most of the other patrons were single. They all seemed very content, but they were also all much older than me. Cigarette scent Sally shuffled back to my table. “Here’s some coffee, doll. It helps with broken hearts.” She gave a sympathetic smile and walked away. Do I just look miserable or something? Honestly, I was just super hangry. Nearly every restaurant in town had an hour wait if you didn’t reserve your space. Even McDonald’s was packed! My waitress could’ve given me a Snickers and I would’ve devoured that shit in seconds. Love was not on the brain; just food.

After an hour, I was happy, full, and on my way home. I felt fantastic. My cat, Hero, brushed against my leg when I opened the door to my house. “Hey, bud,” I cooed as I scratched behind his ears. The evening was coming to an end and I had work the next day. Hero curled up beside me in bed and purred while I stroked his back. “Who the hell proposes via car windshield? What a loser,” I said to my empty bedroom. I laughed until my stomach hurt and fell soundly asleep. Valentine’s Day was just that…a day.

 

Power.

Dainty women in high heels,

Passing out meat pinwheels,

Serving the men as they all chatter.

 

Bending over oh so primly

So you don’t see above the knee.

Nobody wants to be called a slut.


Some men give a quick, hard smack,

Others rub the small of backs.

They think that they’re the ones that matter.

 

Ignorance will make men suffer

With the women always tougher.

The meat given is poison in their gut.

It’s been an extremely long time awhile since I’ve written anything on here. I thought I lost my mojo, and I probably did.  Too many outside influences fed into my mental block and eventually it felt like my writing annoyed people more than it made me feel good. I can’t won’t write as much as I did over the summer since school has started again (and I’m a teacher with students that depend on me), but I will try my best to write more often. I’ve missed this even more than I realized.

I’m back.

Story #35

“That was the worse date in history.” Ben playfully jabbed Kaila. She prerended to look shocked.

“Seriously?! I thought y’all would be perfect together. Sadie is so sweet. She was literally nicknamed Sweet Sadie by everyone in high school,” Kaila replied. She dreamily syared at Ben and held the cutest smile she could muster. “So where did it go wrong? Was she not naughty enough for you,” Kaila giggled.

“Oh no, I didn’t say anything about Sadie. She was very sweet. Super gorgeous, thanks for the set up. We get along well. The date was the awful.” Ben patted the couch cushion next to him so that Kaila could join him. She tried her best to look relieved.

“Well, tell me everything. We are best friends, ya know.,” said Kaila. She gave a supportive smile.

“So I took her to the little cafe next to Franklin Park. You know the one, right?” Kaila nodded. “Okay, so I’m sitting at this table next to the window. I wanted to see her first and see if she looked like her picture. Anyways, this pregnant woman stands right next to the table. She’s huffing and puffing. Basically, hinting she wants my table since all the others are full. I offer her a seat at the table and she shakes her head no. Sadie walks in a few minutes later and we greet each other with a hug.” Kaila shook her head, staying focused on every word.

“We have a seat and start chatting a bit, basic stuff like what’s your major? How do you like the city? Whatever. Well this dude comes over and starts yelling at me for not letting this pregnant woman have a seat. It’s embarrassing. I explain the situation.” Kaila continued to shake her head, anxiously waiting for the point when Ben and Sadie connected. Ben droned on and on about the nonsense she could care less about.

“…and that’s when our eyes connected. I was trying to be cool, and she immediately laughed, totally catching me off guard.” Ben started to laugh, too. Kaila grasped at the cue and laughed so much louder than she meant to.

I had this idea for a story yesterday. Basically Ben totally likes Kaila’s friend, Sadie. Kaila purposely set them up because she thought that they wouldn’t fit together. She has a major crush on Ben, but she’s crushed when she finds out that they’re going on a second date. The end. It’s late. I’m exhausted.

Story #28

“Can I buy you a drink?”

Rachel looked up and down at the man that offered to buy her a drink. “Let’s see: the average drink here is $6 a pop. It probably takes the average woman about 3 drinks to feel tipsy, 5 to feel slightly drunk, add in one or two $5 shots and she’s ready to go home with you. So you’re basically saying that it only takes 40 bucks to sleep with the average woman. Well I’ll tell you something: I’m not the average woman.”

“You could just say no thank you,” he replied.

Rachel sighed. She was hoping for some type of witty banter. “Thanks, but no thanks.”

The guy walked away. She looked around the bar and saw more of this. Men were courting women by filling them up with alcohol and shitty conversation. Pathetic.

“What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?”

Alas! Witty banter could commence! “Who says that I’m a nice girl,” Rachel asked.

She turned to her left and a strapping young lad held out his hand. “I’m Landon. I assumed you were nice. Was I wrong?”

“Well, I’m Rachel. And you know what they say about assuming, right?”

Landon chuckled. “Let’s take a shot of tequila. Bartender, 2 shots of tequila please!” He turned and smiled at Rachel. Usually she would say something like she had before, but this time she kept her mouth shut. The bartender passed Landon the shots. “Put it on my tab, please. Escott.” He turned to Rachel and gave her one of the shots. “Here’s to you, beautiful.” They both raised their glasses and threw them back.

“I’m going to have a beer. What would you like to drink,” he asked with a smile.

“Ummm, a vodka tonic, please.” What a gentleman! He ordered their drinks.

“So you never told me if I was wrong about you being a nice girl. I’m dying to know.”

Rachel touched his forearm and said, “It depends on how I’m feeling that day. For the most part, I’m nice. It doesn’t hurt to be naughty every now and then though.” She could feel his muscles flex under her hand.

“Sounds like we have something in common,” Landon replied with a wink.

Another shot and a few more drinks later, they were in the back of a cab making out. Rachel didn’t usually do this, but tonight she couldn’t help herself. Landon gripped parts of her body and continued to aggressively kiss Rachel. Within minutes they were back at her place and the rest was history.

Rachel woke up the next morning with a raging headache and an awful stomach ache. She farted and rolled to her side. Soundly asleep was Landon from the night before. Surprised, she tiptoed out of bed and quietly closed the bedroom door behind her. A receipt was on her dining room table next to Landon’s jeans. The total was $82.50, which means that he had spent roughly 40 bucks to sleep with her. She sighed, grabbed an ice pack for her head, and went back to sleep. Way to stick to your guns, Rach she thought to herself.

This one was just okay. Female power!

Story #27

Thanks for the movie date last night. Want to hang out tonight?

2 hours later

Hey I just found out this cool new band is playing at Mercury tonight @ 8pm. Wanna go?

πŸ˜ŠπŸ‘…πŸ’¦

So is that a yes? [Insert cool emoticon that makes sense here.]


Sure. After 🎢 then πŸ”πŸŸ & πŸ†πŸ‘…πŸ’¦

Okay…sounds great! The only thing is, I’m allergic to eggplants. I’m guessing the other thing means getting ice cream & going swimming? Do you have a pool?

πŸ€”πŸ€”πŸ€”

Should I bring a swim suit for theΒ  🏊? LOL. I’m not really good at this emoticon stuff.

Emojis*😠

Okay…so are we still on for a late night ice cream run and swimming after the local concert?

😣 Do I need 2 spell it out 4 u?!😈

Please do. I don’t usually date younger men so I’m a little confused about this whole EMOJIS thing.

*sends dick pic* πŸ†

Please delete my number. You obviously don’t care about my health. Oh and gross.

I’ve been drinking with friends tonight so this is the best I could come up with while a little intoxicated. I read over this TEN TIMES so there shouldn’t be any mistakes. I hate emojis, btw. I only use them ironically. SO THERE.

Story #26

It all started when Rob asked me out for drinks one night. He’s the hottest guy in the office, but he keeps to himself. Pretty much all of my female coworkers flirt with him; all of them except me. He wasn’t really in my league.

“So what doya say, Alice? 9pm tonight?” He rested his arms on my cubicle and stared at me with his big brown eyes.

“Sure. I’ll meet you there, Rob.” I smiled whilst thinking this came out of nowhere.

He grinned. “Awesome, see you there.” When he walked away, all eyes were on me. I blushed and turned back towards my computer.

By 8:30pm I was ready to go so I headed to the bar. I arrived 10 minutes early. The first thing I saw was Rob sitting at the bar, chatting up another woman. She was laughing way too loud and arching her back just the slightest so her breasts were accentuated. Pathetic.

I walked over to him and the big boobed giggle monster immediately looked pissed.

“Um, we’re in the middle of a conversation. Can you step back,” she asked in the most annoyingly squeaky voice I had ever heard.

Ignoring her, I greeted Rob. “Hey! I didn’t think you’d be here already.”

“I hate being late.” He turned to the girl he was originally talking to. “Can you please excuse us? We’re actually on a date.”

She scoffed and stomped away, making sure to flip her long brown hair in his face. We both laughed. That’s the first time I smelled it, but I didn’t know what IT was. “Can I buy you a drink?”

“Sounds great. I’ll have an apple martini.”

Rob ordered my drink and I couldn’t help but feel like the luckiest woman there. We got plenty of stares the whole night. Rob was about a 9 on the hotness scale and I was a 5 or 6 on my BEST days. He was very attentive and not to mention extremely attractive. At the end of the night, he walked me to my car. We talked a few minutes more, then he hugged me.

“Goodnight, Alice. See you at work tomorrow.”

The smell I couldn’t identify from earlier smacked me in my face. I was taken back by it,  but ignored it. We were outside. It could’ve been anything.

The next day at work, flowers were on my desk with a note that read: Lunch date at 12pm today? -Rob. I looked around and he was staring right at me with the cutest smile on his face. I nodded and he silently cheered. He was such a goof. It was adorable.

At 11:55am, Rob walked up to me.

“Ready?”

I nodded and grabbed my purse. We took his car, and that’s when I smelled it again. It smelled like morning breath or something… Rob laughed really hard at something that I said, and the smell traveled to my nostrils. It was the same smell from the night before. He had the worst breath I had ever smelled. After that point I couldn’t ignore it.

At the restaurant, he had the audacity to order ONION SOUP. I cringed as he slurped every last drop. I was dreading going back in the car with him.

“Would you like a piece of gum?” I  handed him the pack, but he denied it.

“No thank you. I’m not much of a gum chewer.”

He fucking denied my offer. In what world did he not know that his breath was funky? When we got in the car, he continued to talk and talk. I don’t think anyone at work saw him talking as much as he was at that moment. I barely paid attention because of how distracted I was.

Do you even brush your teeth in the morning?

“–in college. I mean I had fun, but…”

Is there something rotten in your mouth, dude?

“–family. You know what I mean?”

I shook my head. “Oh yeah, definitely.”

“Exactly! And I told my father…”

How long until we get to work? I can’t believe he denied the gum. Has anyone ever told him his breath stinks? Maybe I should leave a pamphlet on halitosis when he goes to the bathroom. What the hell does he eat for breakfast: ass? Oh, God, get me out of here!

“Alice? Are you alright? We’re here. We have a few minutes before we have to clock in. Want to talk some more?”

I shook my head ‘no’ a little too enthusiastically. “I actually have some work to catch up on. Thank you for lunch though!” Just as I turned to walk away, he grabbed my hand.

“Wait, I just…” He pushed some of my hair behind my ear. He leaned in for a kiss. I could smell the scent intensifying as he got closer.

“Stop! Your breath stinks!” Word vomit spewed out of me.

Rob looked hurt, then super upset. “Yours isn’t so great either.” He stormed into the building. I licked my hand and smelled the saliva. Shit. My breath was funky, too. Typical.

We’ve all been here, right? No? Just me? Okay then…