It all started when Rob asked me out for drinks one night. He’s the hottest guy in the office, but he keeps to himself. Pretty much all of my female coworkers flirt with him; all of them except me. He wasn’t really in my league.
“So what doya say, Alice? 9pm tonight?” He rested his arms on my cubicle and stared at me with his big brown eyes.
“Sure. I’ll meet you there, Rob.” I smiled whilst thinking this came out of nowhere.
He grinned. “Awesome, see you there.” When he walked away, all eyes were on me. I blushed and turned back towards my computer.
By 8:30pm I was ready to go so I headed to the bar. I arrived 10 minutes early. The first thing I saw was Rob sitting at the bar, chatting up another woman. She was laughing way too loud and arching her back just the slightest so her breasts were accentuated. Pathetic.
I walked over to him and the big boobed giggle monster immediately looked pissed.
“Um, we’re in the middle of a conversation. Can you step back,” she asked in the most annoyingly squeaky voice I had ever heard.
Ignoring her, I greeted Rob. “Hey! I didn’t think you’d be here already.”
“I hate being late.” He turned to the girl he was originally talking to. “Can you please excuse us? We’re actually on a date.”
She scoffed and stomped away, making sure to flip her long brown hair in his face. We both laughed. That’s the first time I smelled it, but I didn’t know what IT was. “Can I buy you a drink?”
“Sounds great. I’ll have an apple martini.”
Rob ordered my drink and I couldn’t help but feel like the luckiest woman there. We got plenty of stares the whole night. Rob was about a 9 on the hotness scale and I was a 5 or 6 on my BEST days. He was very attentive and not to mention extremely attractive. At the end of the night, he walked me to my car. We talked a few minutes more, then he hugged me.
“Goodnight, Alice. See you at work tomorrow.”
The smell I couldn’t identify from earlier smacked me in my face. I was taken back by it, but ignored it. We were outside. It could’ve been anything.
The next day at work, flowers were on my desk with a note that read: Lunch date at 12pm today? -Rob. I looked around and he was staring right at me with the cutest smile on his face. I nodded and he silently cheered. He was such a goof. It was adorable.
At 11:55am, Rob walked up to me.
I nodded and grabbed my purse. We took his car, and that’s when I smelled it again. It smelled like morning breath or something… Rob laughed really hard at something that I said, and the smell traveled to my nostrils. It was the same smell from the night before. He had the worst breath I had ever smelled. After that point I couldn’t ignore it.
At the restaurant, he had the audacity to order ONION SOUP. I cringed as he slurped every last drop. I was dreading going back in the car with him.
“Would you like a piece of gum?” I handed him the pack, but he denied it.
“No thank you. I’m not much of a gum chewer.”
He fucking denied my offer. In what world did he not know that his breath was funky? When we got in the car, he continued to talk and talk. I don’t think anyone at work saw him talking as much as he was at that moment. I barely paid attention because of how distracted I was.
Do you even brush your teeth in the morning?
“–in college. I mean I had fun, but…”
Is there something rotten in your mouth, dude?
“–family. You know what I mean?”
I shook my head. “Oh yeah, definitely.”
“Exactly! And I told my father…”
How long until we get to work? I can’t believe he denied the gum. Has anyone ever told him his breath stinks? Maybe I should leave a pamphlet on halitosis when he goes to the bathroom. What the hell does he eat for breakfast: ass? Oh, God, get me out of here!
“Alice? Are you alright? We’re here. We have a few minutes before we have to clock in. Want to talk some more?”
I shook my head ‘no’ a little too enthusiastically. “I actually have some work to catch up on. Thank you for lunch though!” Just as I turned to walk away, he grabbed my hand.
“Wait, I just…” He pushed some of my hair behind my ear. He leaned in for a kiss. I could smell the scent intensifying as he got closer.
“Stop! Your breath stinks!” Word vomit spewed out of me.
Rob looked hurt, then super upset. “Yours isn’t so great either.” He stormed into the building. I licked my hand and smelled the saliva. Shit. My breath was funky, too. Typical.
We’ve all been here, right? No? Just me? Okay then…