Story #41

“Woah! How did you do that,” Jake asked excitedly.

“I’m not really sure,” Camille responded. “There’s a light that burns inside of me. I feel it in my limbs and it glows from my core. It’s something I discovered a few days ago.”

Jake shook his head in disbelief. He knew there was something special about his best friend, but this was magical. “What else can you do?”

Camille lifted her hands, palms up, and closed her eyes. A flame no bigger than a tennis ball erupted from her palms. She opened her eyes and smiled widely. The flames danced in her hands. She felt powerful. Once she closed her hand into a fist, the fire disappeared.

“So are you some kind of witch now? You should put a spell on Jake Gyllenhaal to fall in love with me. We’d be the cutest couple and have our own TV show called ‘The Jakes.’ I can see it now.” Jake gazed at nothing as he fantasized about what powers Camille might have.

“Slow down, Romeo,” Camille replied. “All I can do is blast light or create fire. I’m not Cupid.”

Jake frowned. “I guess that’s cool,” he said  playfully. “So what’s the plan for tonight? Hang out at the mall? Go to the movies? Start a forest fire?”

Camille laughed. “Well, I do want to see that new movie with Kirsten Stewart in it. Twilight?”

“Nooooo, don’t tell me you’re one of those pathetic 23 year old vampire fanatics. I can see it now: girl falls in love with vampire, then burns him with her hands. Snore!”

“Come on, Jake. You know I only want to go so that I can…write a review on my blog about how stupid it is?” Camille smiled and put her hands together, as if to beg Jake to tag along.

“Fine, I’ll go, but you’re buying the popcorn!”

“Deal,” Camille replied.

When they arrived at the movie theater, there were barely any cars in the parking lot. “Well this seems odd for a Friday night,” Camille said.

“Duh,” Jake replied. “That’s because everyone is out partying, not going to the movies.”

“Who’s partying at 6:58pm? This is prime movie going time. Maybe it’s a good thing nobody is here though because that means there won’t be a crap ton of people in the theater.”

Jake rolled his eyes. “There was never going to be a crap ton of people going to see Twilight, sweetie. What time does the movie start again?”

“7:05pm. I’ll get the tickets and you get the popcorn,” Camille said.

“Um, no. Give me the cash for your ticket and our popcorn. I want to miss as much of this movie as possible.”

Camille grabbed a $20 bill from her purse and handed it to Jake. “I’ll get our seats. Hopefully I can find good ones!”

Jake looked around the nearly empty parking lot. “I’m sure it’ll be so tough.” They laughed and walked their separate ways.

“Two adults for Twilight, please,” said Jake.

“That’ll be $16. Good thing you came when you did. We’re almost sold out for that showing,” the clerk said.

“You have to be kidding me. Not that many cars are in the parking lot.”

“There’s been groups of teenage girls filtering into that movie since 6pm. We had to open the screening room early because a line was forming. I hope you get the seats you want.”

“Thanks, man.” Jake walked away and stood in the short concession line. He took his phone out of his pocket and saw that he had a text from Camille.

SO many tweens.

Jake laughed and wrote back:

Burn them all. Let God sort ’em out.

Camille received Jake’s text and laughed. She had managed to find relatively good seats on the fourth row, near the middle. Of course she and Jake would be squished between girls no older than the age of 13, but at least they’d be able to see shirtless vampires. Camille began scrolling through MySpace when a few kernels of popcorn landed on her phone. She looked up, expecting to see Jake, but saw no one. A few girls behind her snickered. She ignored them and continued looking at her phone.

“Hey, so did I miss anything yet?” Jake sat next to Camille and handed her the popcorn.

“Nope, just a few previews.” Camille felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned around to see a girl who dressed like she was 21, but looked like she was 12. “Can you please stop talking?” She said innocently. Camille gave an embarrassed smile and nodded her head. She turned back to Jake who was eyeing the little girl.

“Well that was rude,” he said. At that moment, popcorn hit Jake on his cheek. He quickly swiveled his head around. The girls sitting behind he and Camille pretended they were looking at the screen the whole time, but had huge smiles on their faces. Jake turned back to face the screen.

The movie started and people in the theater began clapping. Camille started to feel like coming here wasn’t the best idea. Something didn’t feel right. Jake grabbed a handful of popcorn from Camille’s lap. Something crunchy moved around in his mouth. Astonished, Jake spit the food into his hand. What looked like a small roach was crushed in his popcorn.

“What the fuck!” Jake yelled and stood up, throwing his chewed, and untouched, popcorn on the floor.

Camille, confused by all the commotion, asked, “What’s wrong?” Jake threw Camille’s popcorn on the ground.

“Bugs,” he shouted. The girls next to him started screaming. A wave of “Oh my gosh” and “What the hell” erupted in the theater. Chaos was happening because of Jake’s outburst. Suddenly, the girls behind Camille threw their popcorn on her. “Bugs,” one of the girls said, mimicking Jake’s voice.

Jake turned around and said, “Excuse you! I’ve had enough of y’all. I’m talking to the manager. Camille, I’ll be right back. Don’t touch that popcorn!” He stormed out of the theater and everything calmed down. Camille brushed the popcorn off herself and started to follow Jake until she heard the 21 year old wannabe say, “Dumb bitch. She’s way too old for this movie.” Her friends laughed.

Camille’s patience was thinning at a rapid rate. She turned to face the girls. “Do you have a problem, little girl?”

The little girl looked at her and rolled her eyes. Camille, engulfed with fury, thrust her hand, palms open, toward the little girl. Light blinded the child and her surrounding friends.

“Ma’am, is there a problem,” a voice said behind her. Camille closed her eyes and screams erupted from in front of her. Heat vibrated near her. She opened her eyes and the girls that she was facing were now covered in flames, screaming and trying to run away.

“What the hell, Camille,” Jake yelled. Everyone in the theater began stampeding towards the exits. Camille faced Jake to tell him sorry, but she didn’t close her fists, which continued to send out flames. Her best friend caught on fire, screaming in agony. All hell broke lose. She closed her hands to make a fist, but a fire ball circle around them. She couldn’t control the power. She opened her hands again and fire shot to the ceiling, submerging the whole theater in flames.

Camille stood in place, dumbfounded. “What have I done,” she cried.


Story #39

“Why do we kill ourselves for love,” Ashley asked.

Jennifer, her best friend, shrugged and continued stuffing her mouth with kung pao chicken. “All I know is that I’m in love with this Chinese food, dude.”

“Seriously, though! I didn’t even realize until 4 years into my last relationship that I was dying. I was LITERALLY dying,” Ashley exclaimed.

“Come on, Ash. You knew what was coming when you signed up for a relationship. I, on the other hand, avoid thos with a 9 foot pole.” Jennifer burped and rubbed her belly. “That hit the spot.”

Jennifer was painstakingly gorgeous. She was a bit of a slob, but she could have any person she wanted if she signed up for a relationship. Ashley was opposite though.

Fortunately, thanks to new laws and changes within society, you could now sign up to be in a relationship. A company called Life Partners set you up with someone of similar interests and you both signed a contract stating that you would be devoted to your life partner. There was a catch though: you and your partner would also die together and at a faster rate than normal.

“I realized that I don’t even miss Brock. He was handsome and sweet, but also really boring. Also, a bit daft. We were going to die together! Can you imagine dying with someone who makes paint drying seem like a sport?!”

Jennifer nearly spit out her drink from laughing so hard. “The good news is you’re out of that awful contract now.”

Ashley gave a nervous laugh. “Haha, yeah.” She stuck her hand out to grab her drink, and noticed the aging spots on her hand. “Oh, no! Not much time left, now,” Ashley thought to herself.

Valentine’s Day (Story #37)

“Table for two,” squealed the tiny 12 year old as her boyfriend squeezed her sides.

The concierge threw on her best I’m single and working on the worst day of the year face while grabbing two red, heart shaped menus.

“Fuck this,” I thought as I casually turned and walked towards my car. To be fair, the children were probably in their early 20s, believed that they were madly in love, and didn’t even pay their own cell phone bills. I’m not bitter though.

The closer I got to my car, the more I noticed that I was the only single female in that whole damn parking lot. Are you kidding me? Even the nerdiest of couples were walking hand in hand, absolutely love struck. My brain hadn’t even connected that today was Valentine’s Day even though Google was filled with pink and red hearts. I was off of work today so I missed the older women acting like middle schoolers, flaunting their gigantic teddy bears and shitty Whitman’s candy box bullshit. Maybe I should’ve known it was Valentine’s Day when I saw the ugly, obviously male written, paint on someone’s car windshield that read, “Marry me?” Or maybe I should’ve known when there seemed to be a billion people holding giant bouquets of overpriced roses. I swear, I’m not bitter.

Either way, I started my car and powered up the radio, only to hear, “What’s Love Got to do With It.” The DJ who decided to play that was probably cheated on by their significant other. I laughed at the thought. The streets were mainly empty. I suppose everyone was either eating out or eating in, but I was starving and didn’t want to cook. I decided to drive to the nearest diner.

The windows had leftover Christmas lights loosely strung around the border. It looked as if the diner was halfway empty. “My kind of place,” I thought. The bell rang when I pushed the door open, signaling a waitress with dark red lipstick to look up. This woman had to have been in her late 60s. Her caked on eye shadow melted into the deep creases of her eyelids. The dark, crusty lipstick sat on her thin, wrinkly lips. “Just one, doll,” she inquired, nearly suffocating me with the smell of old cigarettes. I nodded my head and she motioned for me to follow her to the table.

I sat at the table and waited for my server. When I looked around, most of the other patrons were single. They all seemed very content, but they were also all much older than me. Cigarette scent Sally shuffled back to my table. “Here’s some coffee, doll. It helps with broken hearts.” She gave a sympathetic smile and walked away. Do I just look miserable or something? Honestly, I was just super hangry. Nearly every restaurant in town had an hour wait if you didn’t reserve your space. Even McDonald’s was packed! My waitress could’ve given me a Snickers and I would’ve devoured that shit in seconds. Love was not on the brain; just food.

After an hour, I was happy, full, and on my way home. I felt fantastic. My cat, Hero, brushed against my leg when I opened the door to my house. “Hey, bud,” I cooed as I scratched behind his ears. The evening was coming to an end and I had work the next day. Hero curled up beside me in bed and purred while I stroked his back. “Who the hell proposes via car windshield? What a loser,” I said to my empty bedroom. I laughed until my stomach hurt and fell soundly asleep. Valentine’s Day was just that…a day.



Dainty women in high heels,

Passing out meat pinwheels,

Serving the men as they all chatter.


Bending over oh so primly

So you don’t see above the knee.

Nobody wants to be called a slut.

Some men give a quick, hard smack,

Others rub the small of backs.

They think that they’re the ones that matter.


Ignorance will make men suffer

With the women always tougher.

The meat given is poison in their gut.

It’s been an extremely long time awhile since I’ve written anything on here. I thought I lost my mojo, and I probably did.  Too many outside influences fed into my mental block and eventually it felt like my writing annoyed people more than it made me feel good. I can’t won’t write as much as I did over the summer since school has started again (and I’m a teacher with students that depend on me), but I will try my best to write more often. I’ve missed this even more than I realized.

I’m back.

Story #35

“That was the worse date in history.” Ben playfully jabbed Kaila. She prerended to look shocked.

“Seriously?! I thought y’all would be perfect together. Sadie is so sweet. She was literally nicknamed Sweet Sadie by everyone in high school,” Kaila replied. She dreamily syared at Ben and held the cutest smile she could muster. “So where did it go wrong? Was she not naughty enough for you,” Kaila giggled.

“Oh no, I didn’t say anything about Sadie. She was very sweet. Super gorgeous, thanks for the set up. We get along well. The date was the awful.” Ben patted the couch cushion next to him so that Kaila could join him. She tried her best to look relieved.

“Well, tell me everything. We are best friends, ya know.,” said Kaila. She gave a supportive smile.

“So I took her to the little cafe next to Franklin Park. You know the one, right?” Kaila nodded. “Okay, so I’m sitting at this table next to the window. I wanted to see her first and see if she looked like her picture. Anyways, this pregnant woman stands right next to the table. She’s huffing and puffing. Basically, hinting she wants my table since all the others are full. I offer her a seat at the table and she shakes her head no. Sadie walks in a few minutes later and we greet each other with a hug.” Kaila shook her head, staying focused on every word.

“We have a seat and start chatting a bit, basic stuff like what’s your major? How do you like the city? Whatever. Well this dude comes over and starts yelling at me for not letting this pregnant woman have a seat. It’s embarrassing. I explain the situation.” Kaila continued to shake her head, anxiously waiting for the point when Ben and Sadie connected. Ben droned on and on about the nonsense she could care less about.

“…and that’s when our eyes connected. I was trying to be cool, and she immediately laughed, totally catching me off guard.” Ben started to laugh, too. Kaila grasped at the cue and laughed so much louder than she meant to.

I had this idea for a story yesterday. Basically Ben totally likes Kaila’s friend, Sadie. Kaila purposely set them up because she thought that they wouldn’t fit together. She has a major crush on Ben, but she’s crushed when she finds out that they’re going on a second date. The end. It’s late. I’m exhausted.

Story #28

“Can I buy you a drink?”

Rachel looked up and down at the man that offered to buy her a drink. “Let’s see: the average drink here is $6 a pop. It probably takes the average woman about 3 drinks to feel tipsy, 5 to feel slightly drunk, add in one or two $5 shots and she’s ready to go home with you. So you’re basically saying that it only takes 40 bucks to sleep with the average woman. Well I’ll tell you something: I’m not the average woman.”

“You could just say no thank you,” he replied.

Rachel sighed. She was hoping for some type of witty banter. “Thanks, but no thanks.”

The guy walked away. She looked around the bar and saw more of this. Men were courting women by filling them up with alcohol and shitty conversation. Pathetic.

“What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?”

Alas! Witty banter could commence! “Who says that I’m a nice girl,” Rachel asked.

She turned to her left and a strapping young lad held out his hand. “I’m Landon. I assumed you were nice. Was I wrong?”

“Well, I’m Rachel. And you know what they say about assuming, right?”

Landon chuckled. “Let’s take a shot of tequila. Bartender, 2 shots of tequila please!” He turned and smiled at Rachel. Usually she would say something like she had before, but this time she kept her mouth shut. The bartender passed Landon the shots. “Put it on my tab, please. Escott.” He turned to Rachel and gave her one of the shots. “Here’s to you, beautiful.” They both raised their glasses and threw them back.

“I’m going to have a beer. What would you like to drink,” he asked with a smile.

“Ummm, a vodka tonic, please.” What a gentleman! He ordered their drinks.

“So you never told me if I was wrong about you being a nice girl. I’m dying to know.”

Rachel touched his forearm and said, “It depends on how I’m feeling that day. For the most part, I’m nice. It doesn’t hurt to be naughty every now and then though.” She could feel his muscles flex under her hand.

“Sounds like we have something in common,” Landon replied with a wink.

Another shot and a few more drinks later, they were in the back of a cab making out. Rachel didn’t usually do this, but tonight she couldn’t help herself. Landon gripped parts of her body and continued to aggressively kiss Rachel. Within minutes they were back at her place and the rest was history.

Rachel woke up the next morning with a raging headache and an awful stomach ache. She farted and rolled to her side. Soundly asleep was Landon from the night before. Surprised, she tiptoed out of bed and quietly closed the bedroom door behind her. A receipt was on her dining room table next to Landon’s jeans. The total was $82.50, which means that he had spent roughly 40 bucks to sleep with her. She sighed, grabbed an ice pack for her head, and went back to sleep. Way to stick to your guns, Rach she thought to herself.

This one was just okay. Female power!

Story #27

Thanks for the movie date last night. Want to hang out tonight?

2 hours later

Hey I just found out this cool new band is playing at Mercury tonight @ 8pm. Wanna go?


So is that a yes? [Insert cool emoticon that makes sense here.]

Sure. After 🎢 then πŸ”πŸŸ & πŸ†πŸ‘…πŸ’¦

Okay…sounds great! The only thing is, I’m allergic to eggplants. I’m guessing the other thing means getting ice cream & going swimming? Do you have a pool?


Should I bring a swim suit for theΒ  🏊? LOL. I’m not really good at this emoticon stuff.


Okay…so are we still on for a late night ice cream run and swimming after the local concert?

😣 Do I need 2 spell it out 4 u?!😈

Please do. I don’t usually date younger men so I’m a little confused about this whole EMOJIS thing.

*sends dick pic* πŸ†

Please delete my number. You obviously don’t care about my health. Oh and gross.

I’ve been drinking with friends tonight so this is the best I could come up with while a little intoxicated. I read over this TEN TIMES so there shouldn’t be any mistakes. I hate emojis, btw. I only use them ironically. SO THERE.