“I may be silly and a little immature, but I’m madly in love…with food. There’s many men in my life: Papa John melts in my mouth; the Burger King rules my stomach with every delectable bite; I can scarf down Mr. McDonald’s succulent and salty fries. Most important of all, though, is the threesome I have every night with Ben & Jerry. I’ve never been too keen on monogamy.
As my appetite expands, so has my waistline. I just can’t leave my men alone. They’re always ready when I want them, never telling me that I’ve had enough or disdainfully asking me, ‘Are you really going to finish all of that by yourself?’ They were my soul mates.
Unfortunately, it has gotten to the point where my wardrobe has become too tight. Too much of a good thing is never a good thing. I knew it was only a matter of time before our love affair had to end. The hardest ones to say goodbye to were Ben & Jerry. Damn them and their multitude of flavors that burst in my mouth and sank into my belly. Who knew that a pint a day was a surefire way to gain weight? You would think the lightness of ice cream would actually help you LOST the pounds!
Oh treacherously crunchy carrots! How dare you infiltrate my taste buds with your nothingness. Bananas with your phallic shape and loveless taste. Why can’t you be the ones I must give up?! Diets have the word ‘DIE’ in them, which is what I’ll do if I can no longer eat my heart out. This is legitimate torture! The only people that eat like this either ‘eat food for sustenance’ or are Miley Cyrus, and who really wants to be like her anyways? Idiots, that’s who.
Well, I’m writing this from hell, or the gym as some people like to call it. How’s life? Are you enjoying all the pizza and fries you want? Hope everything is swell, future skinny me that probably eats all the pizzas she wants.
Presently Fat Me”
I sighed and placed the letter in my gym bag. Time to get healthy.
We’ve all been here, am I right? FOOD IS LIFE…but I’m also starting to see the downside of it all. I hope my fictional, yet semi-true to my current life situation, made you laugh a bit. This is my fourth day writing in a row. It seems as though I am on a roll!